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’ Anyway, this ends up being the vibe for the entire night until exactly 11 o’clock, when Sunneva announces that their pre-booked Hailo has arrived and she drags poor Cillian off home. Even though that sounds kind of wrong even as I’m saying it.” “I’m talking about her personality.I go, “The only Cillian I know is Cillian what’s-his-face? I’m there, “I don’t understand why he’s back in our lives, though.” “Ross,” she goes, “when you get engaged, you’re supposed to contact people you’ve, you know, been with in the past to let them know.” “Why?” She’s like, “Yeah, no, that’s him.” And I’m there, “Okay, why are we having dinner with him after all these years? It’s just the last time I heard the dude’s name mentioned was, like, eight or nine years ago. To rub their noses in it and find out if they still want you? It’s called good manners.” “Well, I’ve never heard of it.
Sorcha tells me to get dressed – we’re supposed to be in Saba at nine. She goes, “I told you yesterday, Ross, we’re meeting Cillian.” And I’m like, “Cillian?” because the only Cillian I know is Cillian her ex, who went out with her in UCD, then later worked as a risk assessor for an insurance company, which is how I came to nickname him Love Actuary. But then bitterness is part of what made me such a force to be reckoned with on the rugby field.I still don’t know why we’re meeting him for dinner, though.” “He and I were talking and I said how much you and I would love to meet Sunneva.” “Sunneva? I’d hate to think they broke up, even though he’s nearly as big a filthbag as me.” “Go and get dressed, Ross.” Which is what I end up having to do. I’m pretty sure I’m not imagining a faint smile on Sorcha’s lips when she notices that Sunneva isn’t as good-looking as her. They met through a dating website – they’re not ashamed of it, they say.The only Sunneva I know is Sunneva Feeny, who went to Loreto on the Green and married Oran Gunn, who played loosehead for Gonzaga. Half an hour later, we arrive in Saba and I spot them across the floor of the restaurant. The only way I can describe her in non-sexist terms is to say that she’s not great. I make sure to give Cillian a good, meaty handshake, just to let him know I haven’t fully forgiven him for trying to take my wife and daughter away from me. She’s a primary school teacher and he’s now working as a senior credit analyst some crowd in the IFSC. Until, that is, the waitress arrives to take our orders and Cillian asks for the Massaman curry. “You’re not having a curry,” Sunneva goes and she says it, like, firmly?Me and Sorcha were having a few, let’s just say, marital problems, owing to me sleeping with Eskaterina, our nanny from, I don’t know, Belgrania or Ukrania or one of those countries that sound made up. He’s one of those men who actually listen to women – and not as, like, a seduction tactic. Anyway, Sorcha tried to convince herself that she was in love with him. The whole thing lasted about a year, until Cillian had a bit of a meltdown, around the same time as the world economy was going through something similar. God, if I’d told all my exes when you and me got engaged, I’d have been on the phone for years.
Would have been easier to hire a plane and do a leaflet drop over South Dublin.